Attempted Vampirism Read online

  Attempted Vampirism

  It’s not easy being a vampire – just ask Jonathan.

  As the 32nd Lord of Bloodhaven, Jonathan is a vampire noble. Alas, he’s a noble in name only. Forget gold, diamonds, and bountiful estates. All he has to his name are one cosy – some would say dilapidated – castle and a reputation as a fine scholar specialising in ancient lore. Of course, given the horrible ends both his father and grandfather met in pursuit of fame and fortune, it’s probably for the best that he enjoys the quiet life.

  Sadly, his quiet life is about to meet a horrible end of its own.

  Think tax collectors are bad? How about… vampire tax collectors?

  After a run in with the Blood Alliance Department of Taxation leaves Jonathan with nothing except a dressing gown and a pair of bunny slippers, he has no choice but to leave his quiet life behind. He needs a lot of money, and he needs it now. But at least he can rely on his faithful servants for help, right? Wrong. The only servant he’s got left is his old but faithful butler, Miles.

  To get his castle and his stuff back, Jonathan and Miles have to take some risks, but the gods aren’t going to make it easy for them. After all, these are the same gods who took at least three tries to get the world mostly right, and they have some wonderful surprises up their sleeve.

  If Jonathan can survive werewolves, bandits, and eldritch monstrosities, he might just stand a chance. Sure, he’s more familiar with a book than a sword, but he’ll make it work. Somehow. Maybe. Probably not.

  It’s not easy being a vampire, but Jonathan is going to give it his best shot.

  Attempted Vampirism

  L. G. Estrella

  The Attempted Vampirism Series Part One

  Kindle First Edition

  Copyright © April 2019 L. G. Estrella

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Prologue

  Part One

  Interlude One

  Part Two

  Interlude Two

  Part Three

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  More From L. G. Estrella

  Copyright and Disclaimer

  Prologue – In The Beginning

  In the beginning, there were the gods, and they made the world. However, it soon became evident that they had no idea what they were doing. Their first attempt met an ignominious and fiery end at the hands of the dragons they’d created. Apparently, filling the world with giant, nigh-invincible killing machines that could fly and spew fire was not a good idea. Who could have guessed? The dragons went on murderous, fiery rampage after murderous, fiery rampage before eventually eating almost everything else and devolving into cannibalism followed by mass starvation.

  Oops.

  In a bid to ensure that the second iteration of the world did not meet the same horrible end, the gods made several important changes. Dragons could still fly and breathe fire, but they were also smaller than before and less inclined toward eating fifty times their own body weight each day. The gods also decided to focus more on the world’s oceans, rivers, and seas. If dragons had destroyed the world, then perhaps krakens and leviathans could save it.

  Things had gone wonderfully right up until the krakens and leviathans had realised there was an easy way to increase their living space: flood the entire world. The dragons – along with a few ornery squirrels and some cunning raccoons – managed to survive, and the gods were treated to the glorious spectacle of an alliance of dragons, squirrels, and raccoons fighting off wave after wave of megalomaniacal krakens and leviathans. It was truly a time of legends, the greatest of which was Roger the Relentless, a raccoon of great and terrible power who singlehandedly slew upward of a dozen krakens and leviathans.

  Oops.

  After smiting the vast majority of krakens and leviathans and giving the survivors an extremely long and thorough lecture on the importance of maintaining a balanced ecosystem, the gods decided to try again. For their third attempt, they decided against making more gigantic creatures. Instead, they focused their efforts on creating smaller creatures that could nevertheless keep them entertained.

  Success?

  Maybe.

  On an individual level, the creatures the gods made were all fine. They all had their own strengths and weaknesses, and they all reflected different aspects of the gods. The only problem was that they had to share the world with each other, and none of them were very good at sharing. For example, the Lord of the Night created vampires, creatures of immense cunning, grace, and guile. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the newly created vampires were locked in a bitter struggle against the newly created werewolves who had been created by the Lord of the Hunt. Things only went downhill from there with humans, elves, dwarves, goblins, orcs, and all manner of other creatures vying for supremacy in the bloodiest way possible.

  Whether it was vampires eating humans, humans staking vampires, werewolves chewing on elves, elves turning werewolves into pincushions, or dragons, krakens, leviathans, and raccoons going on the occasional rampage, it wasn’t long before the world was engulfed in conflict. The gods seriously considered blowing the whole thing up – again – and starting over. Sure, it wouldn’t be pretty, but they were the gods. They could do it.

  But then they remembered how their first two attempts had gone.

  True, the current version of the world was less than ideal, but it was also a lot better than a world full of starving dragons or a world that had been turned into a giant ocean. Even if it wasn’t perfect, it was interesting. And although their various creations had all turned on each other, the seemingly endless conflict had only spurred them to greater heights of bravery, ingenuity, and wisdom. The gods decided to leave the world as it was. There was no guarantee that the next version of the world would be any better, and a very good chance that it would be worse. The gods could appreciate a good story, and this version of the world was proving itself to be full of many, many good stories.

  The world was a mess, and few places were as messy as the lands that would one day form the core of the Blood Empire. It was in those ancient lands that the first vampires had awakened. Yet despite their ancient ties to the land, the vampires found themselves under constant siege. Ardent paladins, ferocious werewolves, maniacal dwarves, and even endless hordes of zombies assailed them. Rather than do the sensible thing and form some alliances with each other, the extremely proud and paranoid vampires refused to unite. Instead, they spent almost as much time backstabbing each other as they did fighting their other enemies. The vampire lords were each powerful enough to protect their territory, but without uniting, they lacked the strength to win anything more than some temporary reprieves.

  It was a dire situation, and the legendary vampire scholar Tiberius Bloodhaven famously remarked, “If we could stop betraying each other for five minutes, we’d already be running the whole damn world!” Alas, the scholar met his end only seven days later when one of his most trusted aides staked him in the back at the behest of one of his academic rivals. Thankfully, the traitor never got to enjoy the spoils of his treachery. He was himself staked in the back by another traitor at the behest of another academic rival who was subsequently staked in the back by yet another traitor at the behest of yet another academic rival who then met their end after tripping over the body, knocking over a candle, and burning the whole castle down. It was a less than glorious end for everyone involved, and the incident became legendary in the annals of vampire history. The gods, though, thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious.

  It was into this swamp of backstabbing, treachery, and skulduggery that the Blood Emperor emerged.

  By all accounts, the Blood Emperor did not have an easy childhood. His father was a vampir
e from a truly ancient and storied House, but he met his end only a decade or so after the Blood Emperor’s birth when he was first staked and then set alight by a small army of his enemies. It did not help that the Blood Emperor’s mother was a huntress, a scion from a legendary clan who specialised in the extermination of creatures like vampires. Despite the awkwardness involved in their relationship – the Blood Emperor’s mother and father first met while trying to murder each other – it spoke volumes about the love they came to share that his mother eventually hunted down, staked, decapitated, and burned everyone involved in his father’s demise before raising the Blood Emperor alongside the rest of her clan.

  After some of his father’s remaining enemies sent assassins after the young Blood Emperor, his mother took matters into her own hands again. She sent their ashes back to their masters with a very simple message: the next person to even look at her son funny would be receiving a visit from not only her but also her entire clan. The assassination attempts stopped. A single huntress had wiped out almost a quarter of the vampire nobility. Nobody was keen on seeing how much more she could do with the rest of her clan at her side. Let the whelp grow up alongside the humans, they thought. It wasn’t like he’d amount to anything.

  Or perhaps he would. The gods, after all, had quite a sense of humour.

  The Blood Emperor grew from a boy into a man amongst the huntress and her clan. He learned the ways of war, politics, and leadership. When he was old and strong enough, he left and wandered the world in search of those who could teach him everything else he needed to know. His initial attempts to find instructors were less than successful until he realised that the overwhelming majority of people weren’t interested in his inspiring backstory so much as they were interested in his gold.

  Finally, after centuries of travel, he was ready. He was no longer a mere fledgling but a vampire of unmatched wisdom, skill, and power. His mother was long dead, and even the memory of his existence had faded from her clan. With nowhere else to go, he turned his gaze to his father’s ancient homelands. Vampires had always been a fractious bunch. What they needed was a good, strong ruler, and he just so happened to be in search of a kingdom to call his own. No. Not a kingdom. An empire.

  When he returned to the broken remnants of his father’s House, they were naturally sceptical of his claims. His father had been dead for centuries, and they had been doing perfectly fine without some half-blood pretender ruling over them. The Blood Emperor pointed out the glaringly obvious. They were not doing fine. In fact, the handful of survivors was barely holding on to even a fraction of his father’s former territory. They were also far, far weaker than him, and he decided to explain what would happen in terms they could understand. They could either fall into line, or he could wipe out the lot of them and find some other vampires who were more appreciative of his rule.

  He only had to slaughter one of them before the rest fell into line. Admittedly, he slaughtered that poor fellow in an especially gruesome way, but it was for the best.

  With his House firmly united behind him – or at least terrified enough to keep their mouths shut and follow orders – he set about proving his mother right. The best thing in life really was to crush his enemies and see them driven before him. The Blood Emperor marched on his House’s enemies, and his victories were every bit as quick as they were unfair. He defeated his enemies one after the other in a series of devastating battles. Despite rumours of his parentage, the ranks of his followers spread. Vampires might not have liked being bossed around, but they did like winning. And he won. A lot.

  His followers had other reasons to join too. Every vampire knew somebody who’d been eaten by a werewolf, staked by paladins, enslaved by necromancers, riddled with arrows by elves, or blown up by dwarves. Vampires hated to place their lives in the hands of someone so much stronger than themselves – they hated to feel inferior – but they reasoned that it would only be a matter of time before the Blood Emperor turned his attention from other vampires to the various enemies that had menaced their ancient homelands for centuries. Revenge wasn’t a dish best served cold so much as it was a dish best served with a nice, big helping of nigh-invincible, self-proclaimed Blood Emperor.

  With each victory, the Blood Emperor’s power and influence grew. One by one, the great vampire Houses either fell or pledged their fealty to him. After countless centuries of internecine strife, he finally succeeded in uniting vampires under a single ruler for the first time in their history. Naturally, the enemies the vampires had took exception to this. They fell upon the newly named Blood Empire in numbers beyond counting. To them, the Blood Emperor was an upstart, a fool whose illusions of grandeur were about to come crashing down.

  He taught them otherwise.

  At the time of their attack, the Order of the Silver Stake was the greatest holy order in the world. It boasted thousands of paladins with tens of thousands of soldiers, mages, and militia at its disposal. The army it sent to annihilate the Blood Empire was a gathering of its best and brightest, the greatest show of military force in its long, illustrious history.

  Precisely two days after crossing the Blood Empire’s borders, the Order of the Silver Stake effectively ceased to exist. Historians were never sure of exactly how the Blood Emperor pulled it off, but the results spoke for themselves. Where an army had once stood, there was now only a vast plain of sand that had been melted into glass. The Blood Empire’s enemies fumed, but their attacks stopped after the next four armies to cross the empire’s borders were dealt with in similarly ruthless fashion. The fourth and last attempt came from the Dwarves of the Adamantine Mountain. Several days later, the dwarves had to change their name to the Dwarves of the Very Big Hole after the Blood Emperor blew up their army and their mountain.

  With his enemies finally getting the message, the Blood Emperor was free to pursue his other objectives. He might have become the ruler of an empire, but it was an empire in desperate need of improvement. Centuries of infighting and attacks from their enemies had left the vampire lands lacking in anything even remotely resembling good infrastructure and governance. The Blood Emperor set about improving education, transport, commerce, and industry with the same sort of zeal he had used to pursue his enemies. The Blood Empire would become the greatest empire the world had ever seen – and it very well could have been if not for one small problem.

  His reign only lasted a few hundred years.

  Despite living extraordinarily long lives, one of the most common flaws amongst vampires – particularly vampire nobles – was a short memory. Regardless of the success and prosperity he had brought, certain individuals began to see the Blood Emperor as a hindrance. Sure, he’d united the vampires beneath his banner, something no one had ever accomplished before, but someone else would have gotten around to doing that eventually, right? He wasn’t anything special, just lucky. And, sure, he’d fought off the werewolves, the dwarves, the humans, the elves, and everybody else, but now that vampires were united, did they really need somebody like him anymore?

  One thing led to another, and on a particularly dark and stormy night, the heads of the most powerful noble Houses turned traitor. Thanks to their machinations – and a lot of help from the Blood Emperor’s other enemies – the Blood Emperor fell.

  And it wasn’t long before the Blood Empire fell too.

  Oops.

  The traitors had originally planned to split the empire into four separate kingdoms, one for each of the great Houses involved in the treachery. Within two months of the Blood Emperor’s death, attacks by the vampires’ newly emboldened enemies had resulted in the loss of huge swathes of territory. The four kingdoms were forced to reunify into a bumbling mockery of the Blood Empire to survive, yet they continued to lose territory as vampire after vampire after vampire fell before the onslaught.

  One of the surviving conspirators had the decency to point out that with the benefit of hindsight perhaps betraying the Blood Emperor had been a mistake. Not only had he been ridicu
lously powerful he had also been a peerless tactician and strategist. The same could not be said of those who had betrayed him. Oh, they weren’t completely hopeless, but there was a reason they’d been forced to band together and seek outside help. The other conspirators responded to this criticism by chaining the critic to a boulder that was doused in tar, set on fire, and left out in the sun.

  Perhaps the greatest irony of all was that the paladins the traitors had allied with to defeat the Blood Emperor were also the ones responsible for much of the subsequent damage. They had happily accepted payment to help remove one of their greatest nemeses before returning home and raising several new armies – most of which were funded by the payment they’d received. The instant their new armies were ready for battle, they marched back to deal with the remaining vampires. The surviving traitors sent several angry missives to the paladins decrying their treachery and calling upon them to act in a more honourable fashion. The paladins pointed out that a bunch of traitors who had betrayed their emperor were hardly in a position to complain about treachery and dishonourable conduct. Since they were in such a good mood, the paladins made an offer: any vampire who surrendered would be given a swift death. Not surprisingly, the traitors were less than impressed by this offer.

  If any lasting good emerged from the Blood Emperor’s unfortunately short reign, it was his recognition of the fact that vampires could not go around terrorising everyone and drinking their blood without dire consequences. Whether they liked it or not, vampires simply weren’t numerous enough to hold their territory without help, and their inability to survive sunlight was a huge, glaring weakness that was all too easy to exploit. To keep their territory, vampires needed humans and other races not only to provide them with blood but also to defend them during daytime since only the mightiest of vampires could withstand sunlight.